


How Snape become a werewolf

by Scarlet_Blade9



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Werewolf, Angst, Hurt, Legilimency (Harry Potter), Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Occlumency (Harry Potter), Other, Sirius Black's Prank on Severus Snape, Suicide Attempt, Werewolf Severus Snape, What-If, Young Severus Snape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25068940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scarlet_Blade9/pseuds/Scarlet_Blade9
Summary: The prequel to my one shot which shows my take on the prank, how it happened and the alternative ending of the 'prank' compared to the canon, which resulted in the situation in the one shot.Read and compare your thoughts or ignore and move on!
Comments: 35
Kudos: 32





	1. The beginning of the hell

**Author's Note:**

  * For [taywin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/taywin/gifts).



> Hope you enjoy it ^^   
> It is written thanks to taywin, its sequel will be too probably, knowing me. Give me motivation and I am going overboard as always XDD

_**Sev's pov** _

My name is Severus Snape.

I live in Cokeworth, the muggle industrial town. My best friend is Lily Evans, who I met when I was nine in the park, along with her horrible and easily jealous sister, Petunia. I don’t like her as anyone can guess from our greetings alone. Calling each other freak and muggle, even omitting a name… well, Lily is often angry at me for this, but when ‘Tuney’ is so unpleasant, I have no reason to pretend to be nice.

My home is… not a good place. I don’t even want to think of that place as home, but until I finish Hogwart, there is not much I can do about it.

Yes, Hogwart. Both me and Lily are attending there as we are not ‘normal people’ as those in our town. I am a half blood son of pureblood witch, Eileen Prince and muggle, Tobias Snape. She is a muggle-born witch, but extremely talented anyway. It makes us magical, wizard and witch accordingly. This is how we become friends, this is why we have gone to this magical school together and stayed there together as well.

Or so I hoped.

In the end, at the age of eleven I manage to made two nemesis, James bloody Potter and Sirius Black. Both are good looking, rich carefree idiots, who the lack of any sensibility makes up with charm and some talent in magic. Read: typical posh boys. Worse, they are popular, Potter is a Quidditch star and both teachers and student body like them.

I hate it.

In fact, this popularity let them get away with a lot of their ‘pranks’ as they call it. It is just I do not laugh when I am a target, which is often lately. Anything they do, which concerns me, transform into something malicious, humiliating and a bother altogether. Guess what, I am not popular.

So for the rest of the school it is still funny.

Haha.

Guess what else? Lily got sorted into the Gryffindor, my only friend and she was placed in the last house I wished she was… and those two as well.

And I? I am in the Slytherin, a house which is a sworn enemy with Gryffindor one, which despite being great and amazing as mom said, is not so welcoming if your parent or one of them is muggle. Until Lucius took me under his wing after the first half of the first term, things were not too good. Nothing what I imagined, but still way better than anything waiting for me at home. Then I was at least accepted to the extent of not the only words sent my way being an insults. Only inside, out of eyes’ of others, outside, they were treating me always equally, Slytherin’s politic. 

Hogwart himself is just as beautiful as mom described and library has so many books, I may not manage to get through half of not forbidden section until the end of the seventh year… this is already second month into the new term, fifth year for me and Lily. The problem is… we are no more so close friends as we were once.

Her friends doesn’t like me mildly speaking and listen to all Potter and Black are telling about me. I surely did not know that many dark spells in my first year, I think Black, looking at his family, might have known much more than me being from a muggle-raised family, but what do I know.

Seriously, how anyone would believe that crap.

And it is only one of the things they are telling about me.

Moreover, I and Lily are arguing more, me about her making some excuses of ‘Marauders’ as they call themselves and that I should stop antagonizing them or so. I won’t be a passive victim of some idiotic pureblood bullies like I am to my drunk of a father, thank you very much. Maybe she doesn’t get it, but they are treating me no better than as to quote ‘how horrible my friends treat muggle-born’ or so.

Maybe they are not pleasant, but it is hardly an abuse… right?

Sometimes I do not understand what she mean.

I need to find some balance not to lose her, but also… to still attain it, this feeling of acceptance I manage to get lately from them. Doing a few essays for money, some help with potion and an extensive knowledge of the Dark Arts can change a lot.

Well, but first, some another trouble need to be reversed.

I am stuck to the ceiling. And my wand on the floor. Damn that Potter.

Again and again I do fail in summoning it. And if I manage only half-way… it will fall and broke. I can’t mess it up, so if not feeling that it will do, I let it go.

And so I am upside down, so high, for already an hour and start to feel dizzy…

I had to do it and go back to dormitory to finish that essay for McGonagal. Even if I tell her why I didn’t, she will not believe as I lack the proof.

Yet again, my word means nothing compared to them. Life is unfair.

Another deep breath… Okey, I can do it. I have to.

**_“ACCIO MY WAND”_** for a moment I think I lost everything and start calculating how much new wand will damage my slim budget, when… something is in my hand.

Slowly opening my eyes – when I closed them? – I am seeing it in my hand.

Great, now… to reverse a spell…

I forgot a detail in excitement. Counter means I am falling down. Just in time I casted my own invention, Levicourpus, on myself. The one Black saw from that idiot Mulciber, who stole it from my notes and then Gryffindor idiot distributed it around.

Bastards.

Anyway, it saved my life… Counter, and less damaging landing, still not too proper, but no broken neck or bones, maybe only some bruises.

Now I need to move fast to finish that essay or I am in trouble. And thought up some pay back, even if I am to pay for it later.

As always.

.

.

.

That potion, which made their voice higher for a few days was a success. Lily wasn’t angry for it, we had fun, people laughed finally at them.

Small victories, even if I end up in the medical wing with some nasty boiling curse. Seems like Black took it personally as it is one of the more dubious spell, so it had to come from him. You can’t get away too far from your family, it seems.

Even if you try to pretend to do just that.

Well, what is it, one night in infirmary in exchange of some satisfaction anyway? Or pain? Through just before the attack, I saw Lupin being taken to that place, Shrieking Shack or whatever they calls it.

I was wondering why he is not just going to his family through the main gate to get someone to apparate him, when Black and Potter come out of nowhere and before I took out the wand, I was already cursed and it hurt.

Enough not to want to move, not enough to make me scream. I had been taking a beating from the drunk fist of my father for the last 11 years of my life – he never hit me before I was four. Only scream and hurt mom.

So yea, I am accustomed to pain and it still hurt. Means a little, doesn’t it?

So after Mr Pomfrey has come back, she put me in the private room – for what reason? – and ordered to stay there.

The only reason for this abnormality would be if she didn’t want me to be out there as Potter might come back… or not. She never did it before. So what?

Did she expected someone else to come, about who I should not known? But why? Is teacher having an embarrassing illness or something like that? Ha, would be funny if looking that it is a full moon today and it could be werewolf!

…

Wait, today is a full moon…

And Lupin is out… he is out a lot… frequently… was it always full moon as today?

And her strange behavior on my stay here today. Not yesterday or any other day, but this particular night.

Surely, headmaster would know by now and not let him in, right? It is against a law and dangerous and stupid thing to do, to risk all of our lives like that.

No way.

But… what if it is true?

What if he hid his condition from headmaster? But then Pomfrey wouldn’t know. Something here is fishy and… aren’t Potter and Black always tired lately after the full moon and Lupin is absent?

That bastard sleep in the same dorm as Lily! She can be in danger… as all of us. I need to make sure it is either misunderstanding or… or something had to be done.

Maybe… maybe I can even get them in trouble! Even if he is not – which is just as a possibility as headmaster is not an idiot – then they are doing something illegal outside of the curfew and if I can prove it, they would be punished, maybe even expelled, and I will have completely peaceful last three years of study.

_No more bloody ‘pranks’._

_No more name-calling._

_No more laughing at my expense._

_No more humiliation._

_No more Potter pinning after Lily…_

Yea, it would be perfect situation. I can check it out, I mean, if such a reality would be true… I wish to try to have it.

.

.

.

I observed them and followed last month during a moon. Also observed in normal days. It may be all a prank after all, the one to get me in trouble. The Willow I couldn’t pass, but now I am sure that Lupin get in there with Pomfrey and she is leaving on her own.

Then, from far away I saw Potter and Black entering, no Petegrew around, but I think Black spotted me. From that point on, I was curse with the twice of force… well, I expected it, I am trying to undermine them, the big dogs of this park, of course they would retaliate.

Lily thinks I am getting obsessed, but… this reality of peace… whenever I thought of letting it go or giving up, I remembered it and want to try anyway.

Few curse won’t kill me.

Today is another full moon, another observation, another night to make some conclusion.

What I didn’t predict was… well, Black actually telling me. What is he playing at?

“Yo, Snivellus!”

“What do you want, Black?”

“Why swooping around us, huh?” of course he want to know.

I want to know how to get you all off my back of course.

“I have no idea what you mean, for sure you are not breaking any rules? Why would I need to swoop around?” let’s probe a little. Black can sometimes lose temper in his idiocy.

“You know what? Pull the knot of the tree and it froze. If you want so badly to know what we are up to, go there tonight. Of course if you are not a coward, that is, Snivellus.” And with this he just… left.

He gave me information… strange, he would not, so…

It is a prank. A prank for which I can still get them into detention, and probably for one myself, at the very least. It will be fitted as all the time I lost on this, I could use to experiment or read or…

Because it can only be a prank if he told me, right? I mean, I did feel some malicious thoughts, but there was never a time I didn’t feel them from Black. Those toward me accompany him constantly. Especially now that he is practically disowned… Regulus told me. Well, he shouldn’t behave as he did at Lucius and Narcissa’s wedding if he didn’t want to be. And arguing so much with his parents…

It was coming to him and no one in Slytherin was actually surprised, only me. I never get to know his mother, I was told, so I might have not had an understanding yet.

Still… well, I suppose this all theory of the werewolf stopped being valid with Black telling me this. Looking at how much he and Potter and Lupin and even that pathetic excuse for a wizard, Petegrew are covering each other backs, he wouldn’t tell me if I was right.

So it is a prank, they will wait there, ambush me, I will go to medical wing and with the damage done, all of us will be having detention – me for curfew, them for attack and curfew.

It is the end of my job as a detective it seems. I shouldn’t have read so many criminal novel at Lily’s place during vacation, they rubbed on me.


	2. Failure with the great price

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The after match and decision made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going not to update so fast, but had few chapter for sequel and I kind of got hurried by my own desire to post them ;-;

**_James’ pov_ **

Idiotic, slimy git. Because of his nosiness, we are not helping Moony today, but it can’t be helped. He will spy around for some time and get bored, with OWLs coming so close, he will let it go for sure. He may be suspicious now, but nothing he can do now without a proof as long as Dumbledore does a backing, right?

Still, maybe I should told him about it if it continues for too long. We are all on toes, especially Remy, who has enough on his plate, he does not need to worry about this stupid snake.

Wanna-be Death Eater like all of them, those friend he hang around. And he still talk with Lily! He will hurt her, murder her if nothing is done! Those guys only wait to do awful things to muggle-born like her. What is she seeing in the evil git to even considered talking to him more than to me? What I don’t have that he does which makes her decline my invitation to Hogsmade? I don’t get it.

Finally, Pads.

“Oi, we need to finished the essay as Moony is busy. We can’t count on his help with this, come on!”

Something is wrong, there is some… strange feeling on uneasiness in my guts saying that something bad is coming.

“Okey, come on! I don’t want to disappoint Flitwick that I don’t have an essay tomorrow with me, mate. And some new prank, of course!”

We are grinning at each other. Of course, we have to think up something new. Thinking is a reason for doing a homework, isn’t it?

_If only I asked at that time…_

Back in the dorm, we were having casual talk, nothing new. Nothing, until he revealed the biggest mistake he has ever done.

“I wish we could help Moony now, but with all this suspicious, we had to lay down. Without a pack, he will be most enraged today and the moon will be worse…”

Wormtail was nodding in response, too much busy with the cake.

“Maybe not anymore”

“He? Snape let it go already? And I thought he might keep stalking us for a few more weeks. Great, then next moon we are on again!” good news, Remus needs us.

“Well, for sure he will stop now” that tone… I didn’t like either it or wording.

My conscious already saw something is extremely wrong.

“Pads, what do you mean? You told Dumbledore?” of course, it is the only solution and answer, I have no reason to be afraid…

“No, why? I told Snape”

I thought my heart stopped for a moment.

“What did you told Snape?” it can’t be, it is not real, it is not happening…

“How to get to the Moony, of course. He will get scared and stop annoying us or be a coward he is and give up as he cou…” I didn’t listen more as I was already running at full speed to the Willow.

Snape is going to get killed.

Remus is going to kill Snape… Remus, who is afraid of ever killing or turning someone, will do it because of some idiotic thoughts of Sirius.

I had to stop it.

Snape didn’t deserve to die. Remus certainly didn’t deserve any of this.

I have no time… Knocking the knot, I am in and I am still running. I have to be careful to change in time if he is not here, but the scream told me otherwise. The view…

_Moony has bitten him._

I have to save his life and Remus soul or we will be no better than those wanna-be death eaters.

We would be murderers, not Remy who is innocent, but Sirius for telling and me for being late. For never seeing it and for not reacting the moment I felt something is wrong.

Changing into my animagi form, a deer, I do get him off the Snape with force – bleeding, pass out corpse like human, not sure if even alive – and then manage to barely shut him in the room and made it not open for now with something big lying around. Then with changing back, I do put more spells to ensure we got out of here in time and I am moving him to the exit.

Without looking at him even for a moment, if he is dead, if Moony managed to kill him…

I would just stay here frozen until Moony is out and for blood and flesh of both of us…

I think Pete did went to alert someone, I never looked in his direction after that confession, but he is here with both Pomfrey and Dumbledore…

Only now I realized I am crying.

“I am sorry, I didn’t know what Sirius did, please, help him…”

I was shaking so much I had trouble seeing now, when we are out of immediate danger of being eaten…

“Were you…?” she asked, then I noticed so much blood on me. Not my own.

“No, I was not… it is all Snape’s, help him!!” she is starting examining the wounds, werewolf bite with a deep frown and I am only repeating the litany of ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I should have been on time’ and ‘please, let him live’.

Nothing more could form in my head.

I did not even saw the sad and full of regret and pain face of both of adults…

I passed out from the relieve the moment she deemed him alive enough to be transported to the hospital wing. The next coherent thought I had was while waking up in my bed in our dorm…

I was hoping for a moment that it is all just a nightmare and everything is okay… but Dumbledore’s entrance and grim expression told me otherwise…

**_Albus’ pov_ **

I can’t believe it.

In the end all the precautions were not enough, they were not foolproof for betrayal… and it was it, not with intention to kill, but still betrayal.

And now the boy has his life ruined, Remus will have a heartbreak after getting to know and at worst, four of us will have to leave Hogwart, one may lose a life...

All up to his decision. I won’t pressure him even if… no I can’t. Right now he lost the future he could have in this world or even muggle one. He will suffer this terrible illness until the end of his life…

And there are not many option.

Sirius Black would be expelled. I know it might have been a prank, but the punishment should be equal to the damage it has done. This would need explanation and I would need to reveal the truth, only twisting it to make Mr Lupin victim enough not to imprison him or execute…

This is the first option, if Mr Snape will chose it.

He will receive detention and all will be kept a secret, they would finish the education here and then try to live on. This is my preferable option, but I have no right to try to force it on him.

This is his second option.

Those two are all possible one’s.

Now, I will have a talk here to get more details than what Mr Petegrew told us.

“So, Mr Black, Mr Potter, can you explain why Mr Snape know how to enter to the Shrieking Shack?”

Silence. I don’t think Mr Black know yet. Mr Potter just woke up and Mr Petegrew is still in office with Minerva.

“Mr Black? I heard that you have apparently told him. Can you explain?” his face got a little paler and defiance was there.

“I told him, because he was following us around and putting his nose where it does not belong, but I didn’t make him go there. Even if he scared himself, it is nothing that serious.”

I feel my blood boiling and close my eyes to calm myself. What kind of human, what kind of Gryffindor, think so little of the life of another?

Someone born Black, it seems.

“Mr Snape, as you have just said, didn’t just go in and was scared. If not for Mr Potter here, he would not have come out alive from there. Right now as thing stand, he will suffer the same disease as Mr Lupin does.”

Disbelief and denial.

“He didn’t…”

“He is alive, sir?” James interrupted his friend, probably just now put his thought together. He was deeply traumatized by the view as well…

“Yes, his life is not in immediate danger, he need a lot of rest and for few month he will feel a pain from the wound, but he is most certainly alive, Mr Potter, thanks to you.” Little mercy, one would say.

But is it?

For us surely, but for him…

“I will be blunt, Mr Black, what will happen now. If Mr Snape decide that he does not mind leaving the school and won’t keep silence, you will be sorely expelled from the Hogwart” I am aware of your family situation and how bad it is now. It is not an excuse through, the other’s life was ruined. “ Moreover, both he and Mr Lupin will leave this school, as probably will I. This is one scenario which is all up to the decision of Mr Snape. It will probably soon be wildly known fact what happened, so your parents will know too, James” and they might have not want to keep Sirius for too long if they hear it. Rather to let him for some time and then find another place, even if they pay. Fleamont Potter is many thing, but will not let someone, who endanger others so easily, under the same roof where is his beloved son. Not even if that person is his best friend.

Probably only now Sirius started to process what I am even saying.

Pitiful child.

“Sir…”

“Don’t interrupt me, this is criminal offense. For biting someone, werewolf can be executed or put for life in Azkaban. If I have to tell it clearly you have made it possible in order to save Remus’ life, I will. I am sorry, Sirius, but you have endanger two lives and forever ruined one. It is no light matter, no matter if you did it as a joke or not. If he wasn’t bitten… it would be another story. Now, it is all outside the possibility.”

“Sir?”

“Yes, James?”

“What is the other possibility? You said if…”

“If he wished to continue education here, then things will be handled differently, but never forgotten, James. Sirius, I suggest you to start working to attain forgiveness one day from both Mr Lupin and Mr Snape. I am sorry, but I have to go. I would suggest you, James, to find Mr Petegrew and go visit Lupin without Mr Black later in the evening and support him. I will let you know how it all turned out”

I had even worse talk to do after all.

.

.

.

It took a little more than 2 hours for him to wake up.

The wounds were serious, we barely manage not to lose him yesterday. And today he is to get to know, after nearly dying, that he is also a slave to the moon now.

I am so sorry for this, child.

Painful groan coming from looking like a the half dead body before me took me out of my thoughts. He is surely in pain, even with all those potion…

Severus seems to be waking slowly, steadily and I am not trying to make my presence known.

I dread this conversation.

And the results of his choice.

When he finally opened his eyes, he immediately tried to run. Still remembered the fear then.

“You are safe now, Mr Snape.”

Only after repeating it three times, he has actually heard me. Deep trauma then.

Nothing unexpected.

“I… werewolf… it… not… it… me…”

Breath taken.

“Mr Snape, calm down, what do you remember?”

“Remus Lupin is a werewolf…” after a moment of silence, seeing his own wound, terrifying expression on his face when the understanding hit him. I was silent through it. “ I am a monster now…?”

It will be worse than I thought.

“No, Mr Snape, neither you or Mr Lupin are monsters, it is an illness, one you can’t do much about.” I hate it.

The way the despair is filling his eyes, the tears are flowing, the heart and hope get broken.

“What… now…?”

“It is up to you, Mr Snape” and with this I have fully explained his options. Of course, I have to emphasis the first one means all will know about it. He looked even more despaired than before…

“Then…” he swallowed hard his tears, his despair and pain and looked at me with empty, dark eyes “ I want the second”

“You sure?”

“I want to have a little more time before I will be only a beast then… I wish to kill Black for it, I truly do, but… even if he is expelled… I will lose even the chance to be anything normal, would I?”

But there was another option in your mind, I could see it.

Ending it all.

I wanted to try to talk to you that it is a wrong choice to even considered.

That you should try to live.

That you can’t give up, but… do I have a right to say it now?

**_I don’t…_ **

“Understand, thank you for your consideration for Mr Lupin”

“We both know he has nothing to do with my decision, I have no wish to think of him, sir.”

“Anyway, thank you. Rest well, Mr Snape.”

Even if decision was the one I was in favor of, I left his room feeling as if my heart has already bleed itself on the floor…

It might have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some people would say: what kind of manipulation it is? Oh, it is. The consequences, despite already being a werewolf, for trying to get any justice would be too high to pay. They don't have even OWLs yet, so he couldn't keep the wand even. At the same time, Albus takes into account another scenario: Severus caring more about revenge than life, which I believe he did not at this point. 
> 
> To all that would say that James Potter wouldn't react like this... he would. He was cruel, bully and arrogant as a teen [ truly disliked this version of him] , but was hardly Bellatrix Lestrange [ I despised her] and only people like her would just let it happen and be unaffected or happy. Quilt is powerful weapon after all [ see what Sev did out of it and love 0.0 ] 
> 
> Sirius is truly denying it all and I have a grudge toward him for ever thinking it was fun to do something like this, ever! No matter how sad his upbringing is, you do not do it and still think of himself as good.   
> Next chapter Remus reaction etc. Wait to see! 
> 
> Remember, it is my take on possible scenario! Hope you enjoy!!


	3. Memories does a great deal of difference

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to remind you that the story is told from perspective - please, don't make the mistake of Snape haters from Quora of believing all you get to know from one pov. This is why they have ammunition to attack his character and dismiss his great sacrifice and proves - Harry's perspective paint him as evil for over 6 and half book! He saw all bad things and barely ever good. Ones feeling are important, but does not formulate whole truth, keep it in mind!   
> Thanks for attention and I am sorry for taking so much of your time to read this self-defense of mine.

**_Lupin’s pov_ **

It is not happening.

Sirius would never do it to me. He is not like this… But James wouldn’t lie to me about it… and headmaster even more so.

I have turned another person…

_Now I am truly a monster._

Oh Merlin, I have started packing myself the moment I could move even a little, but… headmaster emphasized that me leaving Hogwart now, along with suddenly frequent Snape disappearance during a full moon, would brought a lot of more attention now. I can’t destroy his life even more, can I… I wish I never has come here…

And James begged me to stay, saying I am a victim too and I should not be punished… _but I am a beast, a monster, a werewolf._

And Snape is now as well.

I have a blood of another in my mouth, his flesh and have nearly his life… how can they even look at me?!

I despised myself.

Snape never looked even a little in my direction… as a werewolf he is to be transforming in another, a little deeper stationed room. Specially bonded, with even stronger magic than before. It was renewed on my own as well…

It all mattered and at the same time it didn’t to me. I have no courage to try to talk with Severus, I couldn’t even try look at him.

James couldn’t as well…

Peter tried to make us feel better.

Sirius… I don’t even want to think about him. For all I care he does not exist in my world anymore. To use me like this… because he was irritating?! For stupid spying, he has nearly had me kill him? He had to make me turned him into another monster?

So often I was wondering what I have done to deserve being a werewolf.

Now I truly deserve this pain.

After the first moon of his, as a wolf I remember hearing him, being scared and my wolf being unnerved by having a companion, possible rival, and not having it truly.

I suppose they are running in the pack for a reason.

The way I saw him after a moon… apparently he has gone to the lesson the next day. His performance was not the best, but not far from the norm…

How he could endure it and go on?

He had also less scars than I thought, but maybe… maybe I forgot already how bad it is to be on your own.

I was not in a long time after all. Any time I looked at him by accident or on purpose, I felt destroyed, I felt a monster and I wanted to disappear.

That feeling got worse after every moon, after every month, every day, every second... The one, just before the OWLs… I snapped.

I just couldn’t take it anymore, it was much worse than being a werewolf, this conscious that I destroyed another as I was once.

This self hatred.

This… wish to never have been born.

So I tried to end it and failed.

I remember waking up, to my dismay, in the medical wing. I cursed it all. I couldn’t even manage to get rid of **_one monster._**

I wasn’t listening to the headmaster, there was nothing to listen to. Useless thoughts, useless life, useless existence…

_Harmful existence._

Then all got white and…

Wait, why I am in the medical wing? Was there a moon yesterday?? Or we hexed each others with Snape yet again?

“Headmaster?”

“Welcome back, Mr Lupin, have some sleep if you can”

What has happened? I didn’t manage to ask as he left the room…

I will ask guys later.

****

**_Sirius’ pov_ **

He tried to kill himself.

All because of that Snivellous, how could he? For sure he has told him something and Moony took it to heart and…

And now he is in there, wanting to die and we are in office of headmaster along with _his father_.

Moony is not talking to me.

James is barely talking to me.

Pete is talking, but had some reserve.

I… might have screw up with telling Snape, but I didn’t make him go! If he wasn’t so nosy and suspicious, it wouldn’t have happened anyway.

“Mr Lupin, boys, I am sorry for being so late.”

This is the moment that Lyall Lupin get up, confused and scared.

“Why has my son tried to take his life? I thought you would tell us if lycanthropy and stress of discovery would be too much! You promised he will be fine here!!”

Hearing this, I am ashamed. I had a hand in him not being fine…

“There was accident few months ago and a student was told by one of your son’s friends aware of his… condition how to get to him.” The face of Lyall Lupin was a face of the ghost “ The boy survived thanks to Mr Potter interference and risk of his own life, but he was bitten. We had a hard time trying to help your son get through it…”

The man has practically fell on the floor, terrified and unmoving eyes, all shaking as he has just saw a monster himself…

This strange feeling was back too, the one every time I looked at Moony…

“No… you said… no one was supposed to know!! I knew they know about him, but about Willow?! You said… you said it was… safe… Oh Merlin…” he could only put his head in his hand and we could see it, he cried silently.

As did James.

“I wish I predicted it, it is partly my fault for underestimating the animosity between them as a mere boys’ fight… and now both of them had to pay the price…” because of me… you mean “I had to obliviated Lupin of this” huh? So he doesn’t remember now? “ I had no choice, Lyall, or he would try again. He wasn’t even listening. I do not hope you will ever forgive me this negligence, but right now we had to keep it quiet as long as Mr Snape want to go along with it or your son’s life is in danger.”

“I… yes, it was the only… Can I talk to that.. boy? I should. It is also my responsibility as I agreed to your idea to let Remus study here and this are the consequences. He deserves an apology at the very least and any help I can give him…”

Headmaster only nodded.

“It is true that Mr Lupin won’t remember, but it doesn’t make it not happened, Sirius” of course, but it is not that I… “it is your fault as well, Sirius. Maybe Mr Snape shouldn’t have gone there, but the moment he has any suspicious, you should have come to me. Don’t try to excuse your fault by putting your share of blame on someone who is to carry the consequences for them for all his life.”

I didn’t answered it.

I mean, I didn’t wanted him to be bitten or anything. I wanted to just scare him, not have him killed or… turned.

But it happened and no matter how much I deny it… people around me says it was my fault.

Moony does.

James does.

Pete is in agreement with them.

Dumbledore does…

And Remus’ father too.

But I didn’t make him go there… not directly…

.

.

.

It was a day after OWLs from defense against the dark arts. Of course there was a question about werewolf and just the other day it was also a full moon.

“You know… I think I had a nightmare, the one where Snape come into the Shack while I am there as a werewolf. It is disturbing, how scared I was of the mere possibility… Thanks Merlin you told Dumbledore and he stopped him being so stalking. It would be hard to write those Owls otherwise.”

We know he joked, but it froze our brain in tracks.

We need to made him not think about it. We need to dispel his attention. One glance at James and finding Snape in the horizon.

It is awful, we know, but if we stopped completely Moony would suspect something.

“See who is coming” he shout to me, but not with as much enthusiasm as always and any shown is faked. Worse, Snape is after a moon as well.

Still, we had to do it to make everything else look not so important in Remus’ eyes.

Well, when Lily come, Snape insulted her and James snapped…

Maybe we should have found another way to do it…

.

.

.

Headmaster was keeping a hand covering one of his eyes while looking at us with the other with a deep disappointment.

“James, Sirius, why?”

We don’t really understand what has gone through our heads as well.

I should start, no need for James to take a blow.

“Moony started to remember and we thought if we played a little trick like this, he will stop thinking about that stupid dream and more about our action. We left him alone for last month, but he think It is because of OWLs, if he remembered… It all got out of the hand when Evans come. And for some reason Snape felt insulted by her defense and called her that… slur! And James lost his temper and it all ended like… that.”

Headmaster only signed.

“I barely made him not change his mind to revealing it, Sirius” we both lose the blood from our faces “ He has not taken being attacked like that lightly, especially so close after the full moon. You are to apologize, will have detention during the next term and never again do something like this.”

“But he called Lily that word!”

“I heard it, Mr Potter, but it is not about his wrongdoing, but yours. I think he suffers enough because of those pranks already, don’t you two agreed.”

Only after Moony forgot and nearly took his life, I understood how bad it was what I did. How much of a reckless idiot I was.

And now? We thought if we rough him a little, it won’t make much difference, but for him, it is all a difference. Because Moony doesn’t remember, we start to forget as well.

I start to do it.

James too.

Never again we have gone after Snape or he after us. We profoundly ignored each other by the next two years and in fact, I never properly apologized. Any time I thought I should, I got scared. Apologizing meant accepting I destroyed his life and made Moony did it, like a weapon when he is a friend. I couldn’t just accept it, so I put it off. Like usually.

In the seven year, when James matured a little, deflated his head and get himself together, he and Lily has finally gone out.

He was happy, of course, but this time he never was even close to forgot what has happened to Snape cause of me, cause of this animosity. He never again told anything, in the common room or otherwise, against him, never tried to fight and in fact tried to help him few times only to be rejected.

Indifferently, in fact.

For Severus Snape, we did not existed.

In the end we have never even saw him as a werewolf, the quilt never let us cross the line to his cell, even as an animals.

After finishing Hogwart, we joined the Order of the Phoenix, I of course on probation. I need to earn the trust to be a full- fledged member after all.

After this war is over, I will make it up to him. To Snape, I mean.

One day, I will atone for my mistake and gain his forgiveness, even if it is to take the rest of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okey, then... I truly believed this would be what Lupin would do.  
> Why? Because he is weak in character thanks to his insecurities, even more vulnerable than Severus. He wouldn't have a reason to keep living as Severus has ( imposed but has). 
> 
> And Sirius' pov is his thought, I don't believe that in this fic, where Severus was bitten, he deserve any forgiveness. It is impossible to forgive it. In canon... if he truly regretted and left him alone, tried to properly apologize and make up for it, then yea, why not one day. No, not in a month or year, but in a many years.
> 
> Next chapter is the last and it is all from Sev's perspective. Then, I may or may not stopped myself from publishing sequel as I need to finish it to know what kind of tags I want to add. I am in big conflict about one detail of to do or not. Truly.


	4. Trying to swim while drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All chapter is on Sev!!   
> btw, a little swearing, be warned.

My life was ruined.

What else was left? Having revenge on them? Telling all what a monster is here and what a monster I am? It will be inevitable. Someone would sooner or later see it and any kind of false liking would disappear.

Worse, some of those snobs suggested me to join the Dark Lord. I really started to consider it, after all he has a power and community… if he could accept a poor half-blood like me, why should I not? But Lily… if there was anything stopping me from saying yes outright, it was her poor opinion of those people.

Well, they hated muggle and didn’t like muggle-born like her… even used that slur a lot, but they always did it, here in the Slytherin. Even to half- bloods like me, from time to time. It didn’t hurt more than this nickname from Gryffindors and they started to reduce it after Lucius took me under his wings and then stopped saying it to my face completely after second year, so I kind of… forgot about it.

Potter and his gang never stopped until **_that night._**

Now, there is no point in even thinking of joining Him. I mean, for wizards, werewolves are way lower than most creatures and even if He take them in, it is more of a use and throw out relation. Mulciber himself has once explained to me, not so long ago, how stupid they are to think they have a place there.

Thanks for a tip for a future then.

I will worry about rejection later, for now I need to at the very least pretend to be the same. And somehow survive my first moon in a week. Then… then try to feel as much of a human as I can for as long as I can. Soon I will forgot I ever was even one.

World will make sure of it.

My skills will mean nothing now, my knowledge and power as well. I will be just a beast that should be put to eternal sleep to them.

I won’t let it happen earlier than it had to. Maybe Death will forgot about me? And let me live? Who knows, why would He be interested in some half – blood. If only Lucius doesn’t tell anything unnecessary, then I have a chance.

_First step – getting my OWLs._

_Second – avoiding Lily as much as possible._

_Third – surviving vacation._

_Forth – passing my NEWts._

_Fifth – getting some long distance job with potion and some muggle one and try to live in silence, quiet and peace._

Yes, this is the plan for now.

I am still pretending to those people, but try to not look too invested. They don’t truly want to hang out with me anyway, so it is not that hard. Rosier may be smarter, Black the same, but they will never believe it.

Now, the moon… I can’t avoid classes as much as Lupin does. For a night I can say I was brewing and it will be enough for them, for a day… I need to endure. I will know if it is possible after the first moon.

The first night I am a true monster…

.

.

.

Never before I felt anything that painful. I could tell which of my bones were breaking, transforming, how my teethes become more deadly, the fur, the tail… all of this, along with ‘something’ coming closer, putting me behind, making me incapable of deciding for myself.

Another presence inside me, the wolf side of my mind, the one created through the poison of the bite…

I wanted to do anything to stop it from destroying me, from swallowing my existence and my awareness.

I don’t know why, but all bad scenes in my life, all pain and suffering… I relays it before my eyes… and it forms a chains, the ones around this… wolf. This is the form it took inside me, inside my mind… it was a while since I had a dream of going through my memories…

Was it ever a dream?

The chain can’t stop it completely, but I am more aware than I believed that book stated… It stops him a little, make it not be able to hurt himself so… repeatedly as it should. It is more engaged in fighting for control with my mind. Those chains… at one point they break and I am drowning, but I know now.

There is something I can do about it.

Something to regain control at the very least.

Now I need to know what…

.

.

.

After getting through so many books in the restricted section – headmaster let me read all I needed as I have to get an understanding of it all and he obviously felt guilty as he should. Who would let Black on the secret anyway?! – and I found the book on the mental arts.

The art to enter of magically navigating through the many layers of a person's mind and correctly interpreting one's findings – Legilimency.

And the one to protect from such an intrusion – Occlumency.

I possess both, to some extent, I believe, which made me natural. This is what can help me. Can save a little what is left of my humanity.

And give me the ability to stay in control ( at least partly).

From that time on I have regularly trained it, before I have gone to sleep, during any break I had, read all books related to both arts…

And it showed.

Every next moon, it got way better. I read in one of the books that the best occlumens can create a door to keep things closed there and then it hit me.

I always had one.

From my childhood, I always had a door behind which I put my pain to continue living on, to still have hope. The doors from where the chain originated from, the one I opens always during a full moon, the one I keep closed normally with all the worst feel and disappointment in my life.

I decided to experiment with it then…

After I finally manage to shut it in, it covered in those chain and behind the door, but… the concentration broke, it get out and I was a werewolf truly for around an hour.

_Only an hour._

Soon after this, that Gryffindor’s father, famous Lyall Lupin wanted to talk with me.

His eyes shown that both he knew and felt guilty.

“What do you need of me, sir?” I was not sure what it is about. Seeing his emotion alone won’t make me safe, won’t tell me his reason for wanting to talk to me of all people.

“It is nice to meet you, Severus, I am Lyall Lupin, the father of your classmate and…”

“Yes, I know, you are quite wide known, sir.” I couldn’t help, but be suspicious.

Something was wrong here.

“I wanted to apologize even if nothing can change what had happened and thanked you for not having my son revealed and executed.” I eyes him suspiciously. What is it about? It was few months ago!

“Sir, I am not sure what you implied, but you are late with this a few months already.”

“I am aware, but unfortunately, I was out of the country and got to know only today. It does not change either yours or Remus situation” Genuinely sadness around him… barely anyone I knew had so much self – hatred.

“What happened to change him into werewolf?” I want to know the reason for my misery as well.

“I… “ he swallowed as if afraid to speak up “ I think you have the right to know, but please, don’t tell Remus. I don’t want him to hate me…”

I stare at him a little and narrowed my eyes. He is the reason for his son’s illness?

“You are also a werewolf?”

Now he stares at me.

“No, I am not.” Huh? So what would happen to make it possible his fault?

“Then why you feel guilty? It is not that you sent a werewolf on him or him to werewolf as Black did to me…” and he is silent.

THE FUCK!?

“You didn’t…”

“I have made a comment about how evil werewolves are, now I know how false and stupid it was, but back then… it enrage the feral and dangerous werewolf named Greyback and he… he specially made sure to be close to our home during a moon, he entered as a wolf into Remus’ room and has bitten him, I managed to chase him away, but… he was barely five years old and I had destroyed his life because of my shallowness opinion. If he were to know… he would hate me and I would not live it down…”

Ah, so more parents screw up their kids life. At least this one love his son through…

“ I won’t tell him, it is not like we are friends or anything. I am not even sure why you should apologize when Black haven’t yet, or Lupin for the fact. It is awful, being werewolf…”

So much I sometimes wish Lupin killed me in that tunnel.

“Can you tell me more? I never had the courage to ask Remus, not after…”

I consider it for a moment. He is desperate and care. Not like my mother. They both let something bad happen to their children, but he at least try. She never left Tobias for my sake. Or protected me as she should. Not after I finished 8 years.

If he want to do it… What am I to lose? This kind of kindness would mean I am still human, won’t it? Is this why Lupin try not to be angry at anyone?

May be…

“Pain is bad, but the worst is losing control, Mr Lupin. It is as if you are starting drowning and something else takes your place and all start to mix itself. If pain can pass, eventually, this lack of knowledge and control is dreadful. It makes you more and more afraid of yourself and it only get worse.” That is why I work so hard on occlumency and legilimency lately, neglecting other research.

“Thank you for being honest” how he know it? “ Is there any way I can help you? Any way I can partly pay you back for it all?”

What you can do for me?

Well…

“Get my mother out of my cursed house first, then her worthless piece of shit husband and made sure she get a treatment in the St. Mungo even if you have to obliviated them of the memories of me. Then I would thank you even.”

Normally I would never admit to such a problem, but… I know his shameful secret, so it is out of risk. And mom… she needs help, the faster, the better.

“You sure about oblivion? She won’t…”

“She can’t. She used to be a pureblood, even if she married a muggle, having a werewolf of a son would make her heart give up before any treatment is given. Just made sure she has peaceful life from now on and I will call it even.”

Nothing else can even remotely help me.

He nods and we talk a little more, he probably understand from the hints what I mean. And kept silent. People who experience bad things often can understand better the importance of not asking.

.

.

.

The moon before OWLs, I had full control and at the same time I remembered all my nightmares, but… none of it even compared to the one hidden away now. It was a success, even if it was so hard to keep that I didn’t move at all during the time, I knew one thing.

After every next full moon, I will have more control, with more easy and during a summer I can stay in the cellar of the house, instead of some far away magazine.

But how to tell it all to father and made him leave…

He hated me as a wizard, what would he thought now that I am a beast?

OWLs were decent. I didn’t study half as much as I was suppose to, but I should get Exceed Expectation from most and for sure Outstanding from potion, Defense and charms. I am most worried about Transfiguration and History of Magic, but I think I should make it in the first one to NEWt level and second for a pass. I have to take Transfiguration as I will need it in my life later on. It is one of the more desired skill after charms, healing spells and potion for a werewolf I am now. Getting advanced study can make my life easier, so I hope I can attend.

If not, maybe emotional blackmail on the headmaster?

Maybe it will work…

I didn’t really realize they were there until the shout. Of course, but why?

They left me alone for so many months, why now?!

While being suspended in the air, I entered that useless mind of Black. If I didn’t learn occlumency to the level I did, right now, _I would be furious_.

Now, after having to transform into the beast every moon?

No, it is nowhere near enough to hurt me, but I will make sure headmaster know not to let them pester me anymore. I do not decided on this option to have my little humanity taken away for their amusement. And Lupin didn’t do anything despite all they have done already?

Truth I saw in that crazy mind of Black was more painful and _actually had sense._

Now it fits why Mr Lupin was here back then.

Wolf didn’t manage to live with his quilt conscience, tried to kill himself, failed and got obliviated and now has a flashback, so it is a show to make him less suspicious.

Reasonable, but it was your mistake and I have no reason to pay even more for it.

Before I can do anything, Lily came.

Only not her…

She is suspecting something anyway. I was following Marauders, now I do not, I am scared of them and closing off from her – she believes I spent more time with Mulciber and Avery instead of my research on mind arts and werewolves and I don’t try to dissuade her from this. We have an argument about MacDonald, but I don’t even know what that incident was about. I had more on my plate at the time.

If she is to know the truth… she would try to help, try to ease me and in the end, she won’t be happy. I thought a lot about it.

Once, I fell in love with her, I am sure I did. The dream of being acknowledge and her falling in love with me one day… was just that, a dream to never come true.

She is my oldest friend and one of the only people who ever gave a damn about me, only one to do it without any intent behind. I can’t have her imprisoned in this nightmare of the life as well.

How can I hurt her enough to make her leave me?

In such a situation, if I didn’t get through all this training, I might have already said it… to hurt her… she is talking and flirting a little with Potter.

And smiling or rather tries not to.

She will hate me.

And thanks to that she will leave me and get a happy ending for herself.

One breath in, now, to destroy the little rest of what I have good in life…

“I don’t need a help from a mudblood like her!” I said it.

Don’t panic.

Don’t apologize.

Keep the shocked expression, it will be more believable.

“Fine, I won't bother in the future. And I would wash my underpants if I were you, Snivellus” ouch, it hurt even more.

At least she won’t bother anymore.

End justify the means, right…

After this, some few words to Potter as a bullying toerag, she is out and he is angry. Well, guess what, I am too at myself.

For being a coward to tell her and being afraid of the possibility…

.

.

.

I never truly told the reason to Dumbledore. Only packed myself and have gone to the train.

Also, I never have gone to apologize. I could accidentally want her friendship back and told her all the reasons for it.

It won’t do.

In the end, I am back in Cokeworth on my own and I am sure that mom is no more here. Dumbledore is to come here in a week to set a protection in the cellar – anywhere else and people would guess, I told him.

I had to tell father before through. So he can decide to either hate me even more or try to kick me before he leaves. Well, I can’t let him, I need a place to transform.

I need this horrible house more than ever before, especially with Lily gone from my life.

“Back, huh, you freak?! What did you do with your ma? Where is she!?” already attacking me.

Well, if he kills me then…

“I had to so she can live. We have to talk, da”

“heh? The brat think he can order me around?”

“I am a werewolf”

I know I should wait, explain and pray he will accept it, but with this man it won’t do. It never does.

“What?”

“A werewolf, a beast with no control over its action. One of the student was it in secrecy and another one practically direct me to it. Now all the accusation you made toward me are valid and I am a true monster. In both fucking worlds.”

“You… a what? Like in those movies? In television?”

“More bloodthirsty as it can’t be controlled, but yes, I am”

“In that bloody school?”

“Yes”

“You were turned into some monster worse than wizard freak in that bloody school of yours?”

“YES, I WAS!”

“Bloody hell, they change my son into animal…” of course, I was always this in your head, just now you are right “and there is no cure?”

“Not in existence…”

“Bloody hell…” without even acting violently, he just let me… go and started pacing. The man who for the way less offense than being a monster has beat me into unconscious, is now looking… more angry and not at me…

“I told her it is stupid to let you there, I told her! Why you have to be a weirdo? And now look what it brought you! What would these freaks do to you if they know?”

It is uncomfortable theme.

“Werewolfs… are treated badly by wizard, as worse than animal, da. I won’t get normal job even if I were the strongest wizard in existence. Getting married is a no as there is a chance to pass it on… killing werewolf is not a crime as well” I wonder, how will he react on the last one.

“And they didn’t do fucking anything with those hooligans?”

“They would expel me too, werewolf can’t attend school so Headmaster keeps it low…”

“Those fuckers.. is it why you sent away Leen?”

“Mom would not live the news down, the father of another werewolf promised me to help her… and you. You can live with her when she is out of hospital in the house he get for you. And… he will make you forgot about me.”

“What? You think you all can manipulate my brain like that?”

“Do it for me.”

“He?”

“For all you ever done, if you have a heart, agree for me. I want to have a peaceful life, at least as much as I can and don’t worry about ma. You can’t make up for all hurt you did. I know you don’t remember, so can’t regret most. Just… make true this one wish…”

He looked at me funny and asked for address.

Before he was gone, I had to asked.

“Were you afraid of me?”

“He? What are you babbling about, boy?”

“Were you like this because you were afraid?”

“… maybe” now I understand him at least a little, I am afraid of myself too. Of ever losing that advantage of control…

“So… farewell, don’t drink so much, ma needs help. She has no one else now.”

“Don’t get cheeky, brat. And don’t let them kill you.”

Probably the nicest words I remember ever hearing from him… It is not as if I will ever see him again…

.

.

.

During vacation I got a job, worked, tried to make as many healing potion as possible, minimalism the cost and don’t get into contact with other people.

And avoid from far away Lily’s house.

Apparently, the news of my parents moving and leaving me on my own has reached her house as well. Mr Evans come around one day and asked what happened and if he can help. Her parents were always kind to me.

I am sorry to pay it back with hurting Lily…

“Can I know why you decided to say something like that to Lily?” of course, this question.

“Will you tell her, sir?”

“No, she is dead on to never forgive you or talk to you. You never tried to apologize too…”

“Because otherwise I would bring her down with me, sir. It is for her own good, please, don’t try to find out. Right now, we are from two different worlds and I don’t want to destroy her life.”

He only nodded, I suppose my eyes says enough. I do try not to occlude unnecessary to save mental power.

In such a moment, there is no need to. Kindness can be paid back with honesty at the very least.

“Take care, Severus, if you ever need help…”

“Of course, Mr Evans.”

I never asked anyway.

The next two years I managed. Class were not too difficult, I was in control during moon so I had no need to be absent – Madam Pomfrey could never quite believe how I have so much endurance and so little wounds – Marauders and I have been ignoring each others. I had even time for my experiments. I thought of trying to find a cure, but Damocles Belby has only theory how to make a werewolf aware, which I am. Other, deeper research? It would need too much money… so I gave up on it for now.

I manage to quietly isolated myself from the rest of my dorm mates and I am out of the dorm for a night for a different days during a month to avoid suspicious. Not only full moon. They all take my joining for sure from that day by the lake.

After graduating, I am mostly in that house or work. Everything is relatively normal until the first letter from Lucius.

And second.

And third…

And finally he come to visit.

I have no luck in my life…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people! I just finished a sequel, it is to be 7 chapters and I will absolutely not answer any question there!! I hope you will enjoy it as I enjoyed writing it - not as much as 'It could have been worse...' series, but for sure a lot <33 for sure more than this prequel ^^   
> The question to this part, any misunderstanding or mistake I did, please, let me know. ( Thank you, Trickster, for being constant vigilante, I will check the guy later )   
> Hope you like it, thanks for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


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